Zapped!!!

In winter, getting out of my car invariably involves the following steps:

1. Remove the seatbelt.
2. Open the door.
3. Slide out of the seat.
4. Reach for the door handle.
5. JUMP.
6. CURSE.
7. Slam the door.

Now, being a dignified man, I would like to avoid steps 5 and 6 if I could. But it just doesn't seem possible. In fact, if you could put together all the jumps I make during any given month in winter, you could construct a dance for a very lengthy musical. A clumsy dance maybe, but nevertheless, a dance. And if you put together all the curses, you would have the lyrics for the musical, although it would probably have to be 'R' rated.

I can handle the freezing temperatures that winter brings. I don't mind the skidding and sliding in the snow and ice. I can put up with having to scrape ice off my car's windshield every morning. But static electricity irritates the hell out of me.

The first month of winter goes by with me getting shocks without expecting it. By the start of the second month I am terrified of touching almost ANYTHING. I stop and think before touching my refrigerator, table or doorknob. This is one instance where the thinking DOES NOT help at all. My thought process is along the following lines.. "Oh my god.. I'm going to get a nasty shock now. Maybe holding the door knob at this angle will help. Or perhaps acting very fast will help. Oh.. come on.. this time you may not even get a shock.." My hand reaches out and [zzzaaaappp].. Again!!!

The first month of spring is the worst. Temperatures have become warmer and humidity has improved. But I'm still apprehensive. I make all my 'touching' moves cautiously, flinching when I touch metal and.. NOTHING happens! Though I don't get zapped, I still feel like a fool.

In a departure from my usual style of rambling on about problems, I have actually looked up the solution to this one - A lucky break for the very limited number of readers out there and probably their first justification for reading this blog. The solutions here refer to getting out of your car safely, but you can always apply them to other equally dangerous objects.

Solution 1:
Hold onto some metal portion of the car before you get out and keep holding on during the entire time you are sliding out of your seat.

Solution 2:
If you are like me, you have probably forgotten to use solution 1 and are outside the car shivering in the cold and shivering more at the thought of having to shut the door. Never fear! Touch the glass portion of the car before you touch metal.

Solution 3: (Not for the faint hearted)
Use your key to touch the metal first. This is the option to go for if you like fireworks. You can almost always see a spark when the key touches metal.

If none of the three solutions work for you please sue http://www.static-sol.com/ and send me 20 % of the settlement.

I'm generous, ain't I?